TEARS. RUNNY NOSE. MOUTH HANGING OPEN. HEART...BROKEN

That describes me at the end of The Wrestler. The film, staring Mickey Rourke(Body Heat, Sin City) deals with the life of a theatrical wrestler who knew his greatest glory in the 1980's and is now living out his life in present day New Jersey in much less than splendor.

The wrestler in question, Randy "The Ram" Robinson begins the film being locked out of his trailer and being reduced to sleeping in his van until he can get money for rent. Its a long fall for a guy who had a video game made with him as a main character.

This man was famous. He was big. Now, he plays that video game on what appears to be the first Nintendo ever made with a young boy who seems to have more important things to do than Robinson does.

But Robinson does have important things to do. He has to get his entire life sorted out. He needs to sort out his love life with the stripper, Cassidy (Marisa Tomei), fix his damaged, threadbare relationship with his daughter, Stephanie (Evan Rachel Wood), and retire from wrestling in order to regain his health.

Despite a healthy dose of humor, the film is hard to watch. Its sad and its violent. But out of the aspects of the film that make it not only bearable but actually uplifting is that Robinson does sort it all out. But its not by falling in love, or mending the wounds he's caused his daughter. Robinson sorts it out by realizing just what his whole life really is. Its wrestling.

After taking a job in a grocery store, Robinson assumes an accidental "Clark Kent" persona. Because of a jerk boss he is forced to wear a nametag with states 'Robin.' He wears a hair net and jokes with the customers. You wouldnt assume he is the man who sustains body slams and barbed wire by night. He's more lamb than "Ram."

And after trying life a different way-reaching out and attempting to foster a relationship with Stephanie and Cassidy, quitting wrestling- he goes back to what he knows. He turns his ear to the ones who were always there and listens to them.

You see, although his fame dwindled, his popularity never did. He's still recognized and lauded for his talent by people in and outside of the profession. He has fans all over the place. People who havent forgotten who he was, and who still believe he is that person.

By the end of the movie he's not making decisions for himself any more. His life doesnt belong to him. It never did. The life that he had, at the height of his success, belonged to the fans. And everytime he steps into the ring, its theirs again. Thats the only life worth living for him. And thats the life he chooses.

The film is gritty and ruff. Its real. An effect created by the sprinking of non-actors who appear in the film. Some, average people with small speaking parts. Many others wrestlers themselves who's "stage" names scroll across the screen during the credits.

In places I was reminded of the character Budd from Kill Bill vol.2, destitute and alone, with nothing but a shotgun and a country song as company. But there is nowhere near the amount of sympathy present for that character as there is for Robinson. Budd is so full of hate, so villainous you feel he deserves his place alone in the desert.

Though Robinson is no saint, you want his life to work. You want to stand in the thearter and cheer him on. Strangely you become one of his ever present fans. You keep him alive, all the way to the end.

I Was There

I was recently blessed with the opportunity to travel to DC with friends to witness the inauguration of Barak Obama as President of the United States of America.

The chance just fell in my lap the Saturday before it was to take place thanks to my friend Ke' Shawn, and I moved Heaven and earth to make sure I would be able to attend. With everything paid for I simply needed to clear it with my parents, my professors, and my place of employment.

It was an easy enough sell for all three, understanding this as a unique moment in history. With that taken care of, we were on our way that Monday night and that morning we were there with the throngs of people in Washington, DC, all ready to see and experience this unprecedented event.

By tram we made our way to the Mall to meet the day with millions of our fellow countrymen. It was as cold as ice with barely any room to move but at one moment, a current surged through the crowd and all discomfort was forgotten.

There were times leading up to that moment -favored dignitaries being announced and taking their seats (Jimmy Carter, Colon Powell, etc.)- which hinted at feelings of warmth. But at 12noon, Barak Obama said "So help me God," and suddenly the 20th of January became the hottest day in July.

I could scarcely take it in. I stood, grinning like a child, wholly rapt in the moment. I felt like crying, but I laughed aloud instead, gladdened more than moved. Besides, that warmth was only a feeling and not a truth. We were still basically on the surface of Pluto and, my tear ducts having frozen, I could produce no tears.

We stood and listened to his speech. And I felt a great connection to those millions there who had gathered there that day. And to those across the country who were watching on TV. To those who viewed it in other countries, and even those who listened on the radio.

When I think about it I am reminded of a revelation I had one day driving back to school from my home town. I was listening to a performance of "My Man's Gone Now" from Porgy and Bess on NPR. It was a live performance and the woman's voice reminded me of a soprano I had heard in a performance at the War Memorial Auditorium a year before with my friend Jameel.

When the performance was over, the applause began and ended and the radio personality announced that the song was performed by a woman who won an award from UNC-G's School of Music. I sat for a moment and remembered that the woman who sang at War Memorial won a similar award. In fact, it was the same award. It was the same woman. The same performance. It had been recorded and rebroadcast on the radio.

When I realized this, I thought back to the applause and knew that I was apart of that sound. Some of those claps and cheers were mine. I was there. It is such an interesting, complicated feeling. You know you are you, an individual. But in an instance such as that, you are lost, among a sea of people, of sound.

But like the great and terrible moments in our recent history, since the advent television and radio, you are-in a way- preserved along with that moment. From those poor people who's screams are audible in the background as the newscaster describes the tragedy of the Hindenburg to the grateful millions who's cheers filled the Mall on Washington that day- we are the ones who can say "I was there." Whether like a burden or a badge, we carry it.

I am one of the grateful millions. One who can utter that phrase for all the years of my life. One who can say "When History called the role, I was there to answer back 'Present'."

Gran Torino- A Picture of a People

Gun toting, teeth grinding, epithet spewing, septuagenarian. This is the main character, Walter Kowalski, in Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino.

The film, one of this years Oscar contenders, finds Eastwood's Kowalski- a taciturn World War II veteran- living in a neighborhood now populated with those he once only saw as war-time enemies.

The power of this film comes partly from Eastwood's now typical performance, that of the grizzled, growling 'man with a problem' who's going to 'fix it.' In 2004 his 'problem' was Maggie Fitzgerald, the paralyzed boxer of Million Dollar Baby. This year, its a violent Hmong gang that has terrorized his neigbors Thao and Sue, whom he befriends during the course of the film.

The other part of Torino's power owes itself to the ever present racial slurs Kowalski and others let loose. Some might make you squirm while others could cause you to snicker or laugh out loud. Whether you're squirming or squeeling, you must take the time to stop and think about the material that is presented. I was able to find quite a few lessons in this story. A story which, in truth, sounds impossible at first.

Walter Kowalski hates foreigners (Koreans especially) but they're his neighbors and he ends up becoming friends with them?

That extreme oversimplification of the plot gives it an almost Disney-like 'cheese' factor. But I assure you, this is no Disney picture. And while at first the premise seems unbelievable, the films pacing makes sure no major character developments occur too quicky or, quite possibly, at all.

Torino does a good job of informing viewers about its supporting cast, the Hmong- people from different parts of Laos, Thailand and China who came to America after being targeted and killed for fighting alongside the U.S. in Vietnam. This is a culture and a history I knew nothing about, despite going to school and working with Hmong people. I was happy to be enlightened.

Throughout Torino, we find Kowalski grumbling something or other. One scene shows him chiding Thao about the neighbors lack of curb appeal. Kowalski, the 'American,' is a man concerned about appearances. His grass always cut, his car washed and waxed, and his flag-our flag- always waving. Meanwhile, he has virtually no relationship with his sons, failing health, and guilt so burdensome he can find only one relief. His neighbors, on the other hand, may have shabby facades, but inside those houses are close knit families with strong ties to their heritage.

The trailer for the film calls it "prime, vintage Eastwood." That's an easy critique considering some of the scenes look like they were filmed with 'Dirty Harry 6" in mind. Instead, I say that this is prime, vintage America. The America that, despite its sublime curb appeal, put its racism in the front yard (right beside the Gardenias) and held so many problems inside.

Kowalski is a man out of place and out of touch with the larger world around him. Perhaps like last years Academy Award winner for Best Picture, this film would be called No Country for Old Men, that is, if it did not display some hope that there is a place in the present for those who suffered through the history many of us only read about. The history that made them bitter and hateful. The history that made them 'American.'